Kikoenai Koe
by yukuro
Summary: Tohma suffers from loneliness after his divorce. When Ryuichi suddenly returns from America, the two learn to deal with their feelings for each other. But why did Ryuichi come back broken? [TohmaxRyuichi]


**Disclaimer:** I claim no ownage of Gravitation. :D

**Pairing:** Tohma x Ryuichi

**Note:** This chapter has been heavily revised since, well, it used to be complete and utter crap. Now it's a little less crappy. Just a little. Because I still claim it's terrible. D:

Kikoenai Koe

By: yukuro

Ballad One: Bittersweet Return

The night was cold on a mid-winter night Japan, snow falling from the skies lightly as winter slowly approached. The entire building was silent and dark in N-G Records, all but one room at the great height of the building. A single light was on and blazing in the cool, starlit night. The company had been closed for the day for hours already, but a single person remained.

Seguchi Tohma sighed quietly to himself and leaned back in his chair. He had spent a long day at work and still more was piled into an endlessly high stack on his spacious desk. Of course, he expected no less. Running such a large corporation as N-G Records was not exactly the easiest task around. It was expected that he was to put in several extra hours to keep the company on its feet. That, apparently, was the main aspect of his life at the moment.

Glancing at the clock that ticked away on his wall, Tohma sighed once again. It was already far past midnight and he would be lucky to even get two precious hours of sleep. Time slipped away quickly. Tohma would vaguely remember sitting down bright in the morning and begin with his work, and by the next time he looked up again, it would be far into the night. Time flies when you're having fun, he thought rather sarcastically to himself. Taking his coat off the back of his chair, he prepared to leave the rest of the bulge of paperwork for the morning. It was not as if the load would not be waiting for him when he returned in a few hours.

The people who knew him well, which happened to be a quite small of a number, would instantly realized he was overworking himself because he was obviously depressed. His divorce with Mika had been unexplained and sudden. Of course, the fact that he was constantly bothered by reporters and other people of the press trying to find the truth behind it all did not help the situation much. To be honest, Tohma himself was not exactly sure what had happened between them. Despite his affection towards Eiri, he really did love his wife.

He had been losing sleep, but still did his duties running the corporation. It was his responsibility, and Tohma always took care of his responsibilities. He was stressed and experiencing emotional downfall while still smiling cheerfully on the outside. Usually, just about every night when he could no longer sleep out of guilt, he turned to the bar he visited on a regular basis. It always did seem to fascinate the other people in the bar that he had such a high tolerance level.

Despite his stern business attitude in the public, he went home each night to sit alone quietly in the dark as his wild emotions devoured him. Life was going downhill, not that anyone had noticed. There was a time nearly half a year ago, however, before Ryuichi went back to New York, when Tohma fondly remembered being quite content with life. With Ryuichi at that time, they were able to behave like high school best friends again: laughing, talking, and sharing the pain and emotions that had long been locked away from each other.

They had been life-long friends and would continue to be that way, despite the great distances between them. It was a mutual feeling, as well as a promise that had been made years ago. Tohma remembered seeing his best friend off at the airport the day he decided to go back to America. Ryuichi had left rather abruptly with much of an explanation, making Tohma wonder what was going on. All he could remember was that strange smile on his face, happiness desperately suppressing his hopeless misery. Sometime during the time they were apart, Tohma's marriage with Mika crashed violently to the ground.

Coming back to bitter reality, Tohma gathered his things carefully, making sure he did not miss anything. It was deep into the night, and he most definitely did not want to be driving back because he forgot some thing or other. He stifled a yawn, bending over to retrieve his car keys.

The sudden ringing of the phone on his desk startled him out of his sleepiness. Tohma stared at it oddly for a moment. Not many people knew the number to his personal phone, and not to mention a person must be insane to call at this time at night. Even important record dealers would have to go through several of his secretaries before actually speaking to him in person. Feeling intrigued, the blonde reached out for the phone and answered it with missing a beat, "This is Seguchi."

There was a pause at the other end before quickly melting into a familiarly loving laugh. Woven with weary delight and fondness, the voice on the other end teased, "Seems you haven't changed after all, Tohma. Working at such late hours is bad for your health, you know."

It took a good few minutes for the confused blond to realize whom he was speaking to. "Ryuichi-san?" he asked in surprise, eyes widening slightly despite himself. "I could barely recognize your voice. Are you calling all the way from America?"

Another silence hung between the two for an odd moment. Ryuichi finally responded with a serious tone that seemed odd, "Actually…no, I'm not in America. I'm here in Japan. At the airport."

Another wave of shock hit the blond with those words. "Right now?" he demanded, grabbing his keys and marching out of his office, flicking lights off carelessly as he went. "I'll be there in five minutes."

"Sorry," the singer apologized with a faintly sheepish, "I didn't mean to disturb you at such a late hour. You should be getting home to Mika. I'll just call a taxi. I just needed to speak with you."

"Well, then you can speak to me in five minutes when I see you face to face," Tohma responded firmly. He could not help but wince slightly hearing his ex-wife's name mentioned, however. The seriousness in Ryuichi's voice was slightly disturbing and worrisome. Tohma, in all his years of being with the brunette, had never heard Ryuichi like this before. Something had to be wrong. "Ryuichi-san…are you all right?"

Ryuichi smiled through the phone before responding in a more cheerful tone that Tohma was used to, "I'm fine, really. I guess I'm just tired. Jet lag does that to a person. Don't worry, don't worry! I'm eager to see you again though."

Locking the front doors as he exited, Tohma responded with a quiet chuckle. "I suppose I was overreacting a bit. Please wait for me."

"Hai, hai," came the reply in a singsong tone. Ryuichi hung up the phone in the booth quietly and sighed to himself. It was already too painful. If simply talking to one person hurt so much, how would he feel when he saw everyone again? How would he be able to tell them the truth? About the real reason he had come back home.

No one would love him if they knew. He had seen at the hospital how some people had reacted to the news of their loved ones' condition. Ryuichi smiled serenely into the sky, letting his worries temporarily melt away. It felt terribly good to be back home once again. He had much "work" to do with the people he cared about.

---

As promised, in a blur of five minutes, Ryuichi spotted Tohma jumping out of his car to look around frantically. He smiled sleepily to himself in amusement. It was, after all, rare moment that Tohma would lose his cool. Pulling his knees closer to his chest on the bench, Ryuichi rested his head on his knees and called out to his friend quietly.

Tohma had wandered around, lost, for a moment before he heard Ryuichi's unmistakable voice, calling him by that ridiculous, but rather cute nickname that they had kept between themselves. Ryuichi always did have the amazing ability to be wonderfully adorable no matter the situation. Tohma dashed to the bench where he had heard the teasing "TouTou-kun!" ring out from. Breathing a sigh of relief, he called out breathlessly, "Ryuichi-san!"

A pleasant silence was brought them. The happy look on their faces was worth more than any words could ever express. The cool breeze nipped at their cheerfully flushed faces. Both stood, smiling silently, unsure of what to say.

Ryuichi was the first to turn away. It was unbearable to look into those ever-kind eyes. Every time he saw them, they trapped him and gazed too deeply for comfort into his tortured soul. His heart pounded with a painful thump each passing moment. Or maybe it's overdue lust getting to me, Ryuichi thought to himself grimly. He snuck a glance up when he felt Tohma sit next to him on the frosty bench.

"There's so much we need to talk about," Tohma muttered breezily, looking straight ahead, rather than into his friend's eyes. With a bit more difficultly, he began again, "I've been wanting to see…well, I mean, I've been wondering how you were since then you left."

"I missed you too," Ryuichi replied with an understanding grin. He understood the way Tohma tried to say things. It was odd though. He had known that his friend was a smooth talker, a successful businessman, and a fabulous keyboardist and never once had he heard him stutter with loss of words like just a moment ago. Grinning up at the sky, he commented, "It's pretty cold out here."

Blinking out of his trance, Tohma's eyes shot to Ryuichi's face in an instant. He was smiling, but it was noticeably true. The brunette's face was a bit pale and his fingers were icy.

"I'm sorry," he apologized quickly and somewhat sheepishly, reaching out to take the singer's bag. Glancing at the pale face again, he offered a gloved hand to his friend before pulling the surprised brunette into a quick but warm embrace. Apologizing once again with a sincere smile, Tohma led the other man toward his car.

The silence held still was not an awkward one. The two seemed to simply be enjoying each other's presence. Ryuichi stared out the window silently with murky thoughts swimming about his head. He felt so unlike himself, so out of character. He was Sakuma Ryuichi, legendary Nittle Grasper idol and singer that went successfully solo in America. Yet he still felt unbearably empty.

Tohma took his eyes off the road for a moment to look at his friend. He still looked a bit depressed, even though he was smiling to himself. Deciding to break the silence, the blonde questioned him about America. Quietly, he asked, "Were you happy there?"

"Yes, I think. But I'm happier to be back here with you," he replied with a soft smile. Suddenly, he hardly felt like going back home anymore. "TouTou-kun," he laughed playfully, "let's go get a drink."

"Is Kumagorou paying?" Tohma teased, amused grin spreading across his face. He let out a soft laugh when Ryuichi attempted to poke his side for revenge. Switching on the blinker, the blonde made a left turn out of the original path.

Drowning away in alcohol did not seem like such a terrible idea at first. It was just like the old times. The two resisted the urge to call Noriko in attempt at a Nittle Grasper reunion. After only a few drinks Tohma's high tolerance level only caused him to feel a bit warm and flushed, but Ryuichi on the other hand, was terribly drunk.

It had taken much of Tohma's efforts to finally manage to heave Ryuichi out the door with an around his waist to support him. "You really shouldn't have drunk so much, Ryuichi-san," the blond said with a trail of a smile. "Especially when you know you can't handle it."

"Don't act like my father or something," Ryuichi grumbled childishly in his drunken state. "I'm the same age as you and it's not like we're high school kids anymore. Neeeeeeeee, TouTou-kun? Isn't Mika-chan going to be angry with you for going home so late?"

"She probably would be," Tohma replied in an overly cheerful tone. "If we were still married, that is."

Opening an eye painfully, Ryuichi felt a wave of guilt cross over him. Blushing, he quickly apologized for asking such a stupid thing. He was beginning to feel the extent of his exhausted state, and his head was throbbing violently. He sighed when Tohma pulled up at the apartment that he had left for nearly a year now. Clutching his jacket, he suddenly mumbled darkly, "I don't want to go inside there."

The blonde blinked at him, confused. "Ryuichi-san…" he began slowly and carefully, looking up to his friend's pale face. Much to his surprise, a few silent and angry tears had filled his eyes. Alarmed, Tohma reached out to take a hold of his friend's shoulder. "Ryuichi-san, are you all right?"

"I'm fine," Ryuichi said quickly, angrily wiping his tears away. Smile coming on his face in recovery, he apologized embarrassedly, "Sorry you had to see that."

Tohma studied him for a moment. He was more worried than ever. Never had he seen Ryuichi in such a state before. It tore at his heart to see his friend suppress the pain that so desperately needed to escape. Then again, it also might have been the fact that he was drunk.

Long lines creased Tohma's still young-looking face in concern. Maybe it would be better if Ryuichi did stay at his house, Tohma thought to himself. The apartment did, after all, feel very lonely after Mika left. Shifting his car back into reverse, Tohma stated, "I hope you wouldn't mind staying with me then."

Digging his hands deeper into the pockets of his jacket and looking away shamefully, Ryuichi said nothing, silently telling Tohma he would appreciate it. He was too distracted to carry out his plan of having careless fun with his best friend. It was hard to forget those words he heard in New York. Yet ironically enough, the conversation was growing fuzzy in his memory.

"_Collapsed for the fifth time this week, did you? There really could be something wrong with you."_

"_He's nearly delusional! Look at that blank look on his face. There's nothing we can do for him here. It's best just to send him back to his home. Maybe there are some people who care about him that may help him pull through."_

Pull through, pull through; people kept telling him to pull through. Would he really do that? He honestly just wanted to come back to say goodbye. Why fight it now? It hurt too much to keep trying. His heart hurt far more than his body hurt. Once again angry and shameful tears filled his once bright eyes. Pathetic little Ryuichi crying because he can't deal with a little pain. If only his fans could see him now. Who would care for him then?

Tohma glanced his friend's way, quietly observing him violently rubbing at his eyes with his sleeve, trying to hide his tears. What was wrong? Whatever had made Ryuichi come back from his happy place in America, it was serious. Speeding up a bit, the blonde intended to get them home so he could ask what was on earth was wrong.

---

_Just how did I get myself into this position again?_ Tohma wondered to himself as he shifted the weight on his back. Ryuichi had fallen asleep in the car and knowing the stubborn man, it would not work to try and wake him. He may as well attempt to fit an elephant into his car. He frowned as he climbed up the stairs. Ryuichi was much lighter than he expected. It felt as if he had been losing a great deal of weight. Just what exactly had he gone through anyway? Tohma's suspicion flared. Taking a deep breath, he tapped his foot impatiently, waiting for the elevator to arrive at his floor.

Letting out a sigh of relief when the elevator bell finally rang, Tohma sidestepped out of the elevator the second the metal doors began to open. He struggled with his keys at the door for a few moments, trying hard not to drop Ryuichi in the process. Once he finally got inside, Tohma shifted Ryuichi on his back again, letting out a slight sound of struggle. He kicked the door closed behind him rather carelessly before making his way to his bedroom.

Once Ryuichi had been carefully set on the bed, Tohma took a step back and stretched his aching arms out. Seeing Ryuichi sleep made Tohma smile slightly. He could not help but think how this scene seemed to be similar to the first time they had secretly gone drinking in high school. Ryuichi was out in a matter minutes, and in the end, the tipsy Noriko and Tohma had to heave him back home with his arms draped over either of their shoulders. Tohma laughed slightly at the memory before turning to switch the lights off and sleep on the couch.

Just as he put one foot out the door, Tohma was stopped by Ryuichi's sleepy voice calling out, "Tohma…"

"You've had a bit much to drink," Tohma said with a smile, turning to glance at his friend over his shoulder. "It's best for you to sleep now."

"Wait," Ryuichi insisted groggily, pulling himself up into a sitting position, hand glued to his aching head throughout the entire process. "I have something important to tell you."

"It can't be too important that it can't wait until after you get some sleep," the blond said gently, making his way back to Ryuichi to gently push him back down on the bed. "Your body needs rest now."

"Tohma!" the singer whined as his head hit the pillow again. Frowning, he firmly grasped his friend's hand. "I said I have something important to tell you!"

"All right, all right," Tohma sighed in surrender, taking a seat on the edge of the bed before directing his kind gaze at his friend. Smiling lightly, he asked, "What is it then?"

Ryuichi faltered. His grip on Tohma's hand loosened slightly, and under the green gaze that was directed at him, his resolve began to crumble. Looking away, he mumbled, "I… I'm… I can't say it anymore."

"Good, then you can go to sleep," Tohma said cheerfully, patting his friend's head affectionately. Then, on impulse, or alcohol perhaps, he leaned over and placed a chaste kiss on Ryuichi's forehead. "Good night."

Just as Tohma rose to his feet to leave the room again, the grip on his hand tightened again and pulled him backwards. Surprised, he turned to ask Ryuichi what was wrong, but before any words could escape his lips, another pair of lips met them.

It was an awkward, desperate kiss, and Tohma could faintly smell alcohol in Ryuichi's breath. But all in all, neither really protested when their kiss became deeper and even more desperate.

This was not exactly what Tohma had planned on when he went to pick Ryuichi up from the airport or taking him drinking, but it was relieving to have all the pent up frustration within him released. Ryuichi seemed to have a talent for that. There was something strange about this time though. Ryuichi's blue eyes were sharp and intent in the few moments Tohma had caught them in sight. Ryuichi was serious about this.

"That's enough," Tohma breathed huskily, pushing his friend away slightly. He offered a friendly smile as he stood up straight again. "We're both drunk. Nothing good can come out of this. I don't want you to do something you'll regret later."

"I'm old enough to make my own decisions," Ryuichi said rather darkly, in a tone that surprised Tohma. "If you don't want to do this with me, I understand, but I'm asking you to. Just for one night at least. I need to feel that I'm still existing."

"Ryuichi-san…" Tohma began slowly, brows knitting upwards in concern and doubt.

"Just for today," Ryuichi continued seriously. "At least pretend you care about me this way."

The fine thread of Tohma's self-restraint suddenly snapped. Sighing, he sat back down on the edge of the bed. Letting out a slight laugh, Tohma smiled almost sheepishly at his friend before tracing the side of his face with his fingers.

"You always did know exactly how to manipulate me," Tohma admitted as he watched Ryuichi close his eyes and lean heavily into his touch. "Why do you always do that to me?"

Ryuichi's eyes opened again slowly to gaze evenly into Tohma's.

"I guess it's my fault for giving in," Tohma continued to mutter to himself as Ryuichi's tongue slipped out between his lips to gingerly trace over Tohma's fingers. The blond sighed. "You already know you're someone I care about deeply. You don't always have to question my feelings. We're friends, aren't we?"

"_Good_ friends," Ryuichi breathed in rather amused emphasis before he let his lips crash into Tohma's again. Once they parted again, he muttered, "There's still something I have to tell you."

Pushing Ryuichi back carefully on the bed, Tohma smiled.

"You can always tell me tomorrow morning."

Tsuzuku.


End file.
